Dealing with death

There were other things I planned on writing about today, but such is life, things have changed, and this is a timely topic. Death. As horse owners, it is one that we already have or will eventually have to address. It is one that over the past two years, have had to address all together too often, thank you very much.

Five deaths in two years.

We started by putting down two of our older horses. One was in her early or mid thirties, and had an awesome life living and working up here on the mountain. She was my son’s babysitter when he was younger, safely carrying him on some of the steepest slopes and challenging trails. She had been retired for a couple years, and I believe was beginning to feel as poorly as she looked, with the old sway back, and hip bones and ribs you could see clear around.

The other was in her twenties, and had an injury to her back leg that fused up in healing and created a growing limp that we learned would not heal, and would not go away. This mare was my dad-in-law’s mount for many a mile and many a year, and for the last two, he had allowed my son to ride her as well.

Then the unheard of happened. Last spring I lost a four day old foal. I don’t want to go into all of this here and now. If you’re interested, I have a detailed post you can see by clicking here. But I will just say that I never believed this could ever happen, at least not to me. And when it did, it was harder to deal with than any horse death I have endured over the years.

Earlier this spring, a two year old filly was found dead on winter pasture. Cause of death was unknown. No one was there to help her or to find her. My husband found her on his bi-weekly trip to town when the filly had probably been dead for a week.

I know for years, people around here just turned their horses out on a winter pasture and let them fend for themselves. For anyone who thinks turning horses out to fend for themselves is “fine,” well, great – it’s fine for you. I don’t like it. I never have and have tolerated it unwillingly. And unfortunately, my fears and worries proved justified. It has cost lives. I lost this filly that I more than likely could have helped if I had her up here with me. Just the day before yesterday, we checked our horses again on winter pasture, and found another two year old in a bad way. As luck would have it (and believe me, having luck feels very unusual, but I’m mighty grateful for it this time!) we were there to see it, had the vet out immediately, and were able to save him. But we were not as lucky the following day. And not due to lack of care and attention this time.

Yesterday, I lost a two week old filly that I thought I had “saved.” I mentioned the ordeal we went through with her during her first week of life in an earlier post.

Nope. After a week of doing great and showing no signs of anything but vim and vigor, she died in my son’s arms as I was in town. My husband is in back in town now with the body so that our vets can perform an autopsy.

Taking care of a herd of up to 42 head for several years meant I dealt with many deaths. We would average one a year. Our horses averaged living to a ripe old age of 30, so I suppose this was an acceptable figure. But now, with a herd of about 15, losing one a year, or two… or more… is wrong.

I am working on it. I am doing all I can to learn why and how and what all can be done. I believe one of the most useful things we can do is to have that autopsy done on the dead animal. It may seem gruesome, but I believe the information we can receive from this is invaluable, not only for us, the owner of other horses we need to try to keep healthy, but for the veterinarians and for the horse industry in general. Only 25% of deaths in foals are figured out. Why? Probably, we don’t take the time and money (and pain and grief) to find out. I need to know. I want answers. I have four more foals due this year, and I am not going stop breeding and raising foals just because of two terrible years. I will learn and look back on these years as the nightmares that they are, but I will have knowledge to move forward, have healthier horses, and hopefully share knowledge to help other horses and horse owners as well.

So here you have five examples of death. Some timely. Most untimely. None are easy to deal with. So how do we deal with it?

I am doing it now. I get mad, so I learn and study and that helps me understand, which in turn helps me accept. I reach out. Because every horse owner knows what this feels like. I cry. I feel it. I don’t pretend or deny it. And I remember that this is part of life. Not a good part, but it’s that package deal. And the practical nature takes over. A survival mechanism. We have to get up and take care of the other horses. We have chores to do, job to do, children to feed, other horses who need us. We get over it and get on with things best we can, though he pain stays with us. It can haunt us at times, for months or years, especially with the untimely deaths. I think we need to not run from the pain, but accept it somehow.

I don’t know how yet. I guess it's different every time. Every horse, every person, every day. It is still too new right now. I will let you know how it goes.

As one reader wrote in on another post:

“As a Rancher most of my life. I have seen this many times. The coulda, woulda, shoulda, mantra will rattle around in your head for a while. Sounds like you did all you could for her. That is all you can do. My Dad always told me, " Critter's are born lookin for a place to die". Hard, it is. Lesson's to learn. Heart's to heal. I am sorry for your loss.”

What do you do? What have you done to handle your grief and your loss?